One-liners (Put them here) - Page 5

tlgtr · 24 March 11, 16:04

Sometimes 'traditional wisdom' is more 'tradition' than 'wisdom'....

CX650 · 3 June 11, 17:58

My ex-wife was really good to me

she left.

gears · 3 June 11, 18:09

When I was a kid I got no respect. When my parents got divorced there was a custody fight over me... and no one showed up.

I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.

My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.

I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.

I tell ya, my wife likes to talk during sex. Last night, she called me from a motel.

I tell ya, my family were always big drinkers. When I was a kid, I was missing. They put my picture on a bottle of Scotch.

Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Viper · 3 June 11, 21:18

I find that ducks opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.

Darkheart · 6 June 11, 18:33

"Would you please put some pants on? I feel weird having to ask you twice."

MadNitroBooster · 11 June 11, 17:12

From DNF

I'm gonna ninja this!

My Balls, Your Face!!!

Duke one ,gears zero

mrpowcz · 29 October 11, 22:39

"Hacking is like having sex. You get in, you get out, then you hope that you didn't leave something behind that can be traced back to you."

MadNitroBooster · 30 October 11, 12:54

Stigasawus · 2 November 11, 00:43

Enough youth - I want a fountain of smart.
I think paranoid people are following me
I've never lost an accident yet!
WHO said I never lift a finger
More stickers = Faster car
Eat right, Exercise, Be good, Die anyway

MadNitroBooster · 4 November 11, 06:59

and of course

markspeed · 4 November 11, 19:01

Look, whatever you have in Colombus waiting for you. I promise you it aint any prettier than our friend here enjoying her manwich!

Stratman · 8 November 11, 01:48

Some Henny Youngman classics...

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

A bum came up to me saying, "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!"

Another bum asked me, "Can I have $300 for a cup of coffee?" I told him, "Coffee's a quarter!" The bum said, "Yeah, but I want to drink it in Brazil!"

A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered, "Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz." The man says, "Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "I'm sorry, he's on vacation." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's on a big case, not available for a week." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's playing golf today." "Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "Speaking."

2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

timex · 8 November 11, 02:16

"The dreams of youth are the regrets of maturity." - The Lord of Darkness from Legend

"I'm bleeding...making me the victor." - Wimp Lo from Kung Pow: Enter the Fist

CX650 · 9 November 11, 14:54

"Now then, now then pop-pickers! This weeks non-mover is Jimmy Saville!"

DurgeDriven · 10 November 11, 20:36

Quote:

Originally Posted by murphy0207

i thought on-liners were jokes.

Australia

9 for 21

SANTANA_DK · 10 November 11, 21:02

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vRp7tYWnJJs
you smell that? you smell that?

i farted! nothing in the world smells like that!

Pizzaman · 11 November 11, 23:11

'It's the smell!'

daseteam · 11 November 11, 23:39

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

CX650 · 14 November 11, 22:26

I bought a new guard dog yesterday. It's useless, it lets anybody in. It's a UK border collie.

SANTANA_DK · 14 November 11, 22:29

cracked me up

markspeed · 15 November 11, 06:34

Naval activity! I've not heard anything about this. But then of course I never was a sailor.

Mr. Ambassador, you've got nearly a hundred naval vessels operating in the North atlantic right now. You're aircraft has dropped enough sona bouy's so that a man could walk from Greenland to Iceland to Scottland without gettin his feet wet. So shall we dispense with the bull?

But the sea has many....

And what looks like an exercise, could be a prelude to war! How can we tell the difference? Prudence demands that we deploy our ships to observe yours. It would do well for your government to consider that. Having your ships and ours. Your aircraft and ours, in such proximity, is inherently dangerous! Wars have begun that way Mr. embassador.

If I have to explain this one, you shouldn't consider yourself a film buff. This is perhaps one of the greatest Naval war films of all time. Up there with Das Boot. Mr. Roberts. Tora Tora Tora. So many others I can't recall them all. I've been longing for a great Naval War film in such a long time. And don't mention Crimson Tide to me please. That was a great Gene Hackman Denzel Washington vehicle. But what it was not was a great Naval War film. It was a highly charged political drama set in the location of a Naval War film. That's of course my opinion.

But as a former U.S. Naval service member I can testify to the spoken evidence that the majority of my shipmates agree with me.

Top Gun was a adrenaline fueled recruitment tool. Just like Navy Seals. Pearl Harbor was a special Effects vehicle.

I'm not sure why I went into all that. I guess I'm just venting my frustration that there is not a recent Great Naval War Film for me to quote one liners from. So I've got to keep using my old faithful. Although, I could invoke a Down Periscope line or two. Down Periscope is not a serious Naval Film, but it is an excellent Naval Comedy. Much in league with Mr. Roberts.

1a, cold. 1b.............zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzztttttttttttt! HOT! That boy's absorbed a lot of voltage.

Hey, where'd you get that parrot? Uh, it just flew in.

Don't let it fly away, it's dinner!

Arrggh!

Shinzah · 15 November 11, 07:33

Quote:

Originally Posted by markspeed

If I have to explain this one, you shouldn't consider yourself a film buff. This is perhaps one of the greatest Naval war films of all time. Up there with Das Boot. Mr. Roberts. Tora Tora Tora. So many others I can't recall them all. I've been longing for a great Naval War film in such a long time. And don't mention Crimson Tide to me please. That was a great Gene Hackman Denzel Washington vehicle. But what it was not was a great Naval War film. It was a highly charged political drama set in the location of a Naval War film. That's of course my opinion.

But as a former U.S. Naval service member I can testify to the spoken evidence that the majority of my shipmates agree with me.

Tora Tora Tora is a great film

I'm not a navy buff, but I love me some war movies, and Tora Tora Tora is one of the better ones. None of that hollywooderized soap opera pansy nonsense that passes for a WW2 movie.

It looks good on paper, but for god sakes, thats not a paper fleet sitting out there!

and one of my favourites,

What a way to fly into a war, unarmed and out of gas.

ilu2404 · 15 November 11, 09:42

Rule 1: The Doctor lies!
(I love DW for that)

TheNewBob · 15 November 11, 10:30

"I thought I was being quite lairy, but then I ran out of cock!" was a good one-liner that emerged from a trip to Le Mans a few years back...

CX650 · 10 February 12, 01:36

You'd think that the England football team ought to be good enough to perform a'Capello.

CX650 · 9 June 12, 21:35

Best before date:

Rohypnol.

renard · 9 June 12, 22:57

Dude, that's sick!!

DragonGaru · 10 June 12, 00:22

Patience will come for those who wait.

FlyeThemoon · 10 June 12, 00:55

Heeeeere's Johnny

DragonGaru · 10 June 12, 00:59

"They say the excessive masturbation can cause blindness, but i just can´t see what´s the problem"

"i cannot see a shoehorn without immediately remember Pistorius"

"I am feeling lazier than the guy who designed the Japanese flag."

"the situation is hopeless but not serious"

"Usain Bolt is so quick, u can´t really say it´s a live transmission"

CX650 · 24 June 12, 21:08

You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

MadNitroBooster · 26 June 12, 07:38

For the love of BATMAN, Jump!!!

xanaxkamikaze · 26 June 12, 19:46

"People who think they are free will work harder than those that know they are slaves." -- Captain Obvious

joaoa13pt · 26 June 12, 20:37

"I'm too old for this s**t"
Lethal Weapon

Tkrau · 26 June 12, 22:34

If tinwhistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?

MadNitroBooster · 28 June 12, 02:46

Lesson 1: Don't mess with the Real Duke!!!
Lesson 2: Don't **** with the Real Duke!!!
Lesson 3: Remember lesson 1 and 2!

xanaxkamikaze · 28 June 12, 02:50

I pity the fool -- Mister T

FlyeThemoon · 28 June 12, 16:02

"Name's Ash...Housewares"

"Some days you just can't get rid of a bomb"

"I'm too old for this sh.t"

"Obviously you're not a golfer"

"How Dare he"

smoglessbutton4 · 28 June 12, 20:00

"If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?"

CX650 · 7 July 12, 13:59

Copse corner of course.

CX650 · 10 July 12, 19:43

If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins
of ham? delete it. It's Spam.

CX650 · 10 July 12, 19:45

When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.

Kupiter Belt · 12 July 12, 11:58

The best events at the Olympics are the throwing ones. Discus.

Raymond Lucardie · 20 October 12, 18:43

Gee, I thought Lexus was a novel by Henry Miller.

CX650 · 14 March 13, 15:07

"Stuck on the A4 just going into the photocopier..."

Milton Jones.

Mati · 15 March 13, 18:17

All drivers are slowing down before hill, because there are might a corner behind it, Scandinavians are speeding up, because behind hill might be a straight

crossle33f · 10 April 13, 19:42

if everything looks under control youre just not going fast enough. mario andretti

7 July 12, 13:59	#240
CX650 Grumpy old Git Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Dorset UK	Where do Policemen sit to watch the British Grand Prix? Copse corner of course.

24 March 11, 16:04	#201
tlgtr Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Madison, WI USA Age: 63	Sometimes 'traditional wisdom' is more 'tradition' than 'wisdom'....

3 June 11, 17:58	#202
CX650 Grumpy old Git Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Dorset UK	My ex-wife was really good to me she left.

3 June 11, 18:09	#203
gears Donated Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Higgs Boson Age: 45	When I was a kid I got no respect. When my parents got divorced there was a custody fight over me... and no one showed up. I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again. My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks. I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped. I tell ya, my wife likes to talk during sex. Last night, she called me from a motel. I tell ya, my family were always big drinkers. When I was a kid, I was missing. They put my picture on a bottle of Scotch. Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance. My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

3 June 11, 21:18	#204
Viper Moderator Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Torhout, Flanders, The Great Kingdom of Belgium Age: 28	I find that ducks opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.

6 June 11, 18:33	#205
Darkheart Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Syracuse New York	"Would you please put some pants on? I feel weird having to ask you twice."

11 June 11, 17:12	#206
MadNitroBooster Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Finland Age: 26	From DNF I'm gonna ninja this! My Balls, Your Face!!! Duke one ,gears zero

29 October 11, 22:39	#207
mrpowcz Join Date: Feb 2010 Age: 23	"Hacking is like having sex. You get in, you get out, then you hope that you didn't leave something behind that can be traced back to you."

30 October 11, 12:54	#208
MadNitroBooster Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Finland Age: 26

2 November 11, 00:43	#209
Stigasawus Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Drivers Seat,Australia Age: 64	Enough youth - I want a fountain of smart. I think paranoid people are following me I've never lost an accident yet! WHO said I never lift a finger More stickers = Faster car Eat right, Exercise, Be good, Die anyway

4 November 11, 06:59	#210
MadNitroBooster Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Finland Age: 26	and of course

4 November 11, 19:01	#211
markspeed Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: San Diego, California Age: 39	Look, whatever you have in Colombus waiting for you. I promise you it aint any prettier than our friend here enjoying her manwich!

8 November 11, 01:48	#212
Stratman Join Date: Jul 2006	Some Henny Youngman classics... A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months. The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?" A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!" A bum came up to me saying, "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!" Another bum asked me, "Can I have $300 for a cup of coffee?" I told him, "Coffee's a quarter!" The bum said, "Yeah, but I want to drink it in Brazil!" A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered, "Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz." The man says, "Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "I'm sorry, he's on vacation." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's on a big case, not available for a week." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's playing golf today." "Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "Speaking." 2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!" My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

8 November 11, 02:16	#213
timex Join Date: Jun 2008	"The dreams of youth are the regrets of maturity." - The Lord of Darkness from Legend "I'm bleeding...making me the victor." - Wimp Lo from Kung Pow: Enter the Fist

9 November 11, 14:54	#214
CX650 Grumpy old Git Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Dorset UK	"Now then, now then pop-pickers! This weeks non-mover is Jimmy Saville!"

10 November 11, 21:02	#216
SANTANA_DK Join Date: Oct 2006 Age: 29	http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vRp7tYWnJJs you smell that? you smell that? i farted! nothing in the world smells like that!

11 November 11, 23:11	#217
Pizzaman Minifreak & Muscleman Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Groningen Centre of the Universe	'It's the smell!'

11 November 11, 23:39	#218
daseteam Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Göttingen, Germany	Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

14 November 11, 22:26	#219
CX650 Grumpy old Git Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Dorset UK	I bought a new guard dog yesterday. It's useless, it lets anybody in. It's a UK border collie.

14 November 11, 22:29	#220
SANTANA_DK Join Date: Oct 2006 Age: 29	cracked me up

15 November 11, 06:34	#221
markspeed Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: San Diego, California Age: 39	Naval activity! I've not heard anything about this. But then of course I never was a sailor. Mr. Ambassador, you've got nearly a hundred naval vessels operating in the North atlantic right now. You're aircraft has dropped enough sona bouy's so that a man could walk from Greenland to Iceland to Scottland without gettin his feet wet. So shall we dispense with the bull? But the sea has many.... And what looks like an exercise, could be a prelude to war! How can we tell the difference? Prudence demands that we deploy our ships to observe yours. It would do well for your government to consider that. Having your ships and ours. Your aircraft and ours, in such proximity, is inherently dangerous! Wars have begun that way Mr. embassador. If I have to explain this one, you shouldn't consider yourself a film buff. This is perhaps one of the greatest Naval war films of all time. Up there with Das Boot. Mr. Roberts. Tora Tora Tora. So many others I can't recall them all. I've been longing for a great Naval War film in such a long time. And don't mention Crimson Tide to me please. That was a great Gene Hackman Denzel Washington vehicle. But what it was not was a great Naval War film. It was a highly charged political drama set in the location of a Naval War film. That's of course my opinion. But as a former U.S. Naval service member I can testify to the spoken evidence that the majority of my shipmates agree with me. Top Gun was a adrenaline fueled recruitment tool. Just like Navy Seals. Pearl Harbor was a special Effects vehicle. I'm not sure why I went into all that. I guess I'm just venting my frustration that there is not a recent Great Naval War Film for me to quote one liners from. So I've got to keep using my old faithful. Although, I could invoke a Down Periscope line or two. Down Periscope is not a serious Naval Film, but it is an excellent Naval Comedy. Much in league with Mr. Roberts. 1a, cold. 1b.............zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzztttttttttttt! HOT! That boy's absorbed a lot of voltage. Hey, where'd you get that parrot? Uh, it just flew in. Don't let it fly away, it's dinner! Arrggh!

15 November 11, 09:42	#223
ilu2404 Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Witten/Germany Age: 26	Rule 1: The Doctor lies! (I love DW for that)

15 November 11, 10:30	#224
TheNewBob Uploader Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: United Kingdom Age: 28	"I thought I was being quite lairy, but then I ran out of cock!" was a good one-liner that emerged from a trip to Le Mans a few years back...

10 February 12, 01:36	#225
CX650 Grumpy old Git Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Dorset UK	You'd think that the England football team ought to be good enough to perform a'Capello.

9 June 12, 21:35	#226
CX650 Grumpy old Git Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Dorset UK	Best before date: Rohypnol.

9 June 12, 22:57	#227
renard Hippy Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: Twincylvania Age: 48	Dude, that's sick!!

10 June 12, 00:22	#228
DragonGaru Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: Cascais - Lisbon - Portugal - Europe - Earth Age: 36	Patience will come for those who wait.

10 June 12, 00:55	#229
FlyeThemoon Join Date: May 2008	Heeeeere's Johnny

10 June 12, 00:59	#230
DragonGaru Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: Cascais - Lisbon - Portugal - Europe - Earth Age: 36	"They say the excessive masturbation can cause blindness, but i just can´t see what´s the problem" "i cannot see a shoehorn without immediately remember Pistorius" "I am feeling lazier than the guy who designed the Japanese flag." "the situation is hopeless but not serious" "Usain Bolt is so quick, u can´t really say it´s a live transmission"

24 June 12, 21:08	#231
CX650 Grumpy old Git Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Dorset UK	You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

26 June 12, 07:38	#232
MadNitroBooster Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Finland Age: 26	For the love of BATMAN, Jump!!!