A joke a day...

[joaoa13pt]

Originally Posted by Paul_in_DC

I just love happy endings.

love it

[tallen]

I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was, Where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer...hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?

[joaoa13pt]

Originally Posted by tallen

I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was, Where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer...hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?

[Paul_in_DC]

[Copyright]

Haven't had many jokes lately, not so much jokes as humorous lines...

What's a pessimists blood type? B-Negative

Why is 42 funnier than 41?

"She looks as though she's been poured into her clothes, and forgot to say 'when'." — P. G. Wodehouse

"I like going to the park and watching the children run around because they don't know I'm using blanks." — Emo Philips

[Kritter]

[Chronus]

Hmm...just got a laugh out of this one:

[dartguy]

Medical distinction between Guts and Balls


There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.

We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'


I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.

Both result in instantaneous death.

[gtrNL]

Just got this one from the iRacing forums.

and the bartender says "we don't serve faster-than-light neutrinos in here."
A neutrino walks into a bar,

[gears]

A Zen master once said to me, "Do the opposite of everything I tell you"...

So I didn't

[gears]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!" The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely..... . A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

[KittX]

- Dad, is it true that internet makes people retarted?
- lol son %)

[gears]

I'm thinking about becoming the master of all time and space.

The pay isn't that great, but I can pick my own hours.

[Reef Budseed]

-How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
-Fish

[gears]

Originally Posted by Reef Budseed

-How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
-Fish

lol I've heard that one before, but it still makes me laugh

[mrpowcz]

So 1325 Pascals come into bar and one of them says "it's a really strange atmosphere here!"

[tallen]

Dear iPhone,
Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut.
Sincerely,
Every iPhone User

Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection.
Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic

[guritza]

Originally Posted by tallen

Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection.
Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic

LOL people tend to forget about that one

[BLeeKii]

Subject: Who was who in 1923

In 1923, Who Was:
1. President of the largest steel company?
2.. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men were considered some of the
world's most successful of their day..
Now, 88 years later, the history book
asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them..

The Answers:
1. The president of the largest steel company.
Charles Schwab, died a pauper.

2. The president of the largest gas company,
Edward Hopson, went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE,
Richard Whitney, was released from prison
to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator,
Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement,
shot himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore,
also committed suicide

However,
In that same year, 1923, the winner of the worlds most
important road race the Isle of Man T.T., was
Stanley Woods.

What became of him?
He won 10 T.T. races between 1923 and 1939,
He lived on the Isle of Man and rode motorcycles all his life.
He lapped the island circuit at 82 mph in 1957 (The Golden Jubilee) aged 54
He was a wealthy man when he died aged 90.

The Moral:
Stuff working- Ride Motorcycles/Go Racing....

[renard]

^^

[DurgeDriven]

Originally Posted by tallen

Dear iPhone,
Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut.
Sincerely,
Every iPhone User

Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection.
Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic

These are jokes.

Depends, what Vampires, are they orginals or plebs ? :p

Actually I find the modern day interpretations more believable
then Bram Stoker. Not a bat in sight. lol

Real vampires along with real cannibals were hot blooded
and would have no trouble getting half a bar. :p

[Darkheart]

Originally Posted by BLeeKii

The Moral:
Stuff working- Ride Motorcycles/Go Racing....

I think that Burt Munro would agree...

Remember... Like the banner says "Its not the destination, but the drive there"

[wigwolfrat]

Ran across this years ago. Love the battery tester...

Mechanics tool guide

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from
the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in
their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for
drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes
to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting
the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race
out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest
and flings your drink across the room, splattering it against that
freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them
somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also
removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in
about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground
after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the
jack handle firmly under the front fender.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle
upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes
and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to
disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool
that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the
end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric
acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after
determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you
thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health
benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at
about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during,
say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark
than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used,
as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into
compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact
wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone
in Springfield, and rounds them off.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

[ivpav]

It's a sad day for the music industry.
Early this morning Justin Bieber was found alive in a hotel room.

[MAD-MINI]

You Might Be In A Redneck Volunteer Fire Department If....

Your department has ever had two emergency vehicles pulled over for drag racing on the way to the scene.
You have naked lady mud flaps on your pumper.
Your firehouse has wheels.
You've ever gotten back and found out you locked yourselves out of the firehouse.
Fire training consists of everyone standing around a fire gettin' drunk.
You've ever been toned out on an outhouse fire.
That outhouse fire was with entrapment.
You've ever let a person's house burn down because they wouldn't let you hunt on their ground.
At least one vehicle in the firehouse still has decorations on it from the Halloween Parade and it's January.
Your personnel vehicle has more lights on it than your house has lights in it.
You don't own a Dalmation, but you do have a coon dog named Sparky.
You've ever walked through a christmas display and came up with more than 3 new ideas for a light scheme for your truck.
Your rescue truck can smoke the tires.
Your department's name is misspelled on the equipment.
Your engine had to be towed in the last Christmas Parade.
Dispatch can't mention your name without laughing.
The local news crew won't put your department on TV because you embarassed them last time.
You've ever referred to a light bar as sexy.
Your defib consists of a pair of jumper cables, a marine battery, and a fish finder.
You've ever taken a girl on a date in a pumper.
Your pumper has been on fire more times than it has been to a fire.
Your pumper smokes more than the house fire.
The only time the trucks leave the station is on bingo night.

[Pizzaman]

make love, not war....

[brabham67]

Originally Posted by Pizzaman

make love, not war....

HAHAHA!!! I'm gonna remember this one!!

[CX650]

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, a young blonde declared, 'Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go and do just that?'

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

He saw a huge 9-foot 'gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the bank.

Nearby were 7 more dead 'gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde struggled to roll the fresh beast over.

Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration......

Sonofabitch!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!

[aston007]

Angela Merkel came at French-German border and policeman asked her usual questions

Name? -Angela
Surname? -Merkel
Nationality? -German
Occupation? -No, just visiting!

[CX650]

Are you insured for sex? Make sure you get the Correct Insurance for the sex you are having. Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes.

Sex with your wife - Legal & General

Sex on the telephone- Direct Line

Sex with your Partner- Standard Life

Sex with some1 Different- Go Compare

Sex with a Big bird - More Than

Sex On the back seat of a car- Sheila's Wheels

Sex with a posh bird- Privileged

Sex with a transvestite - confused.com

[jandri]

Originally Posted by tallen

Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection.
Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic

I had seen this : http://verydemotivational.files.word...ple-logic1.jpg
His face at the end

[Pizzaman]

What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic = using a feather
Kinky = using the whole chicken

[Roger]

Originally Posted by CX650

Are you insured for sex? Make sure you get the Correct Insurance for the sex you are having. Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes.

Sex with your wife - Legal & General

Sex on the telephone- Direct Line

Sex with your Partner- Standard Life

Sex with some1 Different- Go Compare

Sex with a Big bird - More Than

Sex On the back seat of a car- Sheila's Wheels

Sex with a posh bird- Privileged

Sex with a transvestite - confused.com

Very good

[Pizzaman]

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him,
"How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.

One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.As she looked into the glass, she fumed,

"So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with."

[Roger]

Shakespeare walks into a bar

The barman yells - GET OUT!!!!!

Why? he askes

Because you're BARD

[CX650]

I was working on a film set as a PA to Meat Loaf. Various things had been 'going missing' and I was fairly sure it was one of the scene-shifters on set who was stealing them. I confronted him after a particularly expensive watch disappeared and was about to accuse him when Meat Loaf pushed past me, grabbed him and yelled:

"What have you done with my Rolex, you thieving gitbag?"

Took the words right out of my mouth.

[MAD-MINI]

Schrodinger's cat enters a bar.... And doesn't

[SearleD]

Ah the uncertainty principle and Schrödinger's cat, two ways to confuse a 1st year physics student

Take one ordinary cat, one large box, a particle detector, a radiation source, a bottle of cyanide gas. Hook up the detector so that if it detects a particle from the radiation source, it will open the cyanide gas. Set it up inside the box in such a way that there will be a 50% probability of a particle being detected from the radiation source within a five minute period. Add the cat to the box.

Theory says that the cat will enter a quantum state where it is 50% alive and 50% dead until the experimenter looks inside the box. However, reality teaches us that the severely pissed off cat cat WILL escape the box well before the 5 minutes are up, attack the experimenter and depart just in time for the severely lacerated experimenter to watch the hammer descend on the cyanide bottle one inch from his nose.

[MAD-MINI]

I just spat my drink all over my keyboard hahaha. Thanks for the laugh needed that one

[McCrashem]

The bigger question is , how do you get the cat into the box ? Without it entering into a quantum state of claws , teeth and spitting fury

[wombat666]

1]
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
"What are my choices?" the man asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

2]
A lady was picking through the frozen Chickens at a Woolworths store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, "Do these Chickens get any bigger?"
The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."

3]
A truck driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read " Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.
Cars were backed up for miles. Finally, a police car arrived.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the truck's cab and said to the driver, "Got stuck, eh?"
The truck driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!"

4]
The policeman got out of his car and the teenager he stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the Cop said.
The kid replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could."
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

5]
A teacher at West Australian High School reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-arsed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
"I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."

[gears]

A doctor says to his patient, "I have bad news and worse news".

Patient says, "OK what's the bad news?"

Doctor says, "We found out you have 24 hours to live"

Patient says, "OMG what's the worse news?"

Doctor says, "We couldn't reach you yesterday"

[tjc]

lol...

[tallen]

I was in Chicago....and

I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read
'I miss Detroit'.

So I broke the window, stole the radio and left a note that read, 'I hope this helps'………………………

[CX650]

The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political correctness announced today that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as

'English Weather'

Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the UK population, it will now be referred to as:

'Muslim Weather'

(Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite)

[brabham67]

Lmao!!!

[Pizzaman]

I just found some posts here on the site and made a joke out of that.
You really got me going there CX650, with that joke.

[Pizzaman]

OK here one for the worse then:

A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face.
She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"
"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"
The mother is stunned.
"You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."
"That's right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for."
"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me."

[TICTOC]

Gladys, the elected fire warden at the old folks home failed her yearly
review and was removed from the position.

When asked, ''What steps would you take in the event of a large fire
in the dormitory?'', she replied, ''Bloody big ones!''

[gears]

What's Irish and sits around all day?

Patio Furniture