A joke a day... - Page 28

yetisaj · 17 July 12, 00:18

One big PR joke.........

http://arcticready.com/social/gallery

Somebody lost their job over this idea.

brabham67 · 17 July 12, 00:51

Quote:

Originally Posted by yetisaj

One big PR joke.........

http://arcticready.com/social/gallery

Somebody lost their job over this idea.

Kudos to them for posting all of those submissions. They could just as easily cancelled the whole shebang when they saw it wasn't going to be nice to them.

CX650 · 27 July 12, 02:10

Mitt Romney.

Regardless of his or indeed your own personal political affiliations, after his oh so buggered misunderstanding and his lack of common sense in commenting I suggest that this man should not be voted into such an important office.

brabham67 · 27 July 12, 02:17

I thought political discussions were banned here...

CX650 · 27 July 12, 02:28

Quote:

Originally Posted by brabham67

I thought political discussions were banned here...

Please note the thread in which my comment is placed.

CX650 · 27 July 12, 03:10

Let's face it, who is his most noticeable critic? Boris _ing Johnson. Upper class twit of the year for two years in succession. Cameron can't complain too loud either, he is a privileged pillock too. (I went to Eton myself, I was delivering photographic supplies at the time.)

We Brits are well known for saying serious things as jokes.

It can only be offensive to twats with no sense of humour or an irony deficiency (as Clarkson put it).

tallen · 30 July 12, 20:59

Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?

Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock.

Stig007 · 9 August 12, 10:41

How many druggies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

2

1 to hold the light bulb in place

and 1 to smoke until the room starts spinning

Pizzaman · 10 August 12, 13:15

guy driving through the countryside comes upon a weird sign advertising a red '68 Corvette that runs on Vaseline. The farmer who owns it tells him to take it for a test drive, "but don't go too far 'cause it's low on Vaseline." Off the guy goes, and it roars up to 100 mph and runs perfectly. But a short time later, it sputters and fails.

Meanwhile, at a nearby farmhouse, a family is just finishing dinner. The wife is proud of the meal she's prepared and suggests that she should not have to do the dishes. The older of two daughters says she has a date and cannot do the dishes. The younger daughter says she can't do them because she has homework. The father says he is the man of the house and should not have to do dishes. He suggests a solution. "Let's all go into the living room and sit down, and the first person who says a word has to do the dishes."

Meanwhile, the driver makes his way to the farmhouse, knocks, and gets no reply. He sees the family sitting stone-faced in the living room and knocks again. No response. So he walks in and says, "I knocked, but no one answered. What's the deal?" Not a word from the family. The man notices leftovers on the table and asks if he might eat them. Not a word, so the man eats his fill. "May I have a beer?" he asks, and again gets no response, so he helps himself to a half-dozen of them.

Maybe it's his imagination, but he notices the older daughter giving him the eye. "I'd like to make love to your daughter," he says to the farmer. Taking the lack of response as a yes, they go off together. On his return, he has a few more beers. "How about the other daughter?" he asks, and off they go. Soon he's proposing the same for the farmer's wife, and getting no response, he has his way again. It's getting dark, and the man realizes he must get going. He returns once more to the living room and asks the family if they have any Vaseline.
"All right, all right," says the farmer, "I'll do the damn dishes."

gears · 14 August 12, 20:07

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo drizzle.

joaoa13pt · 2 September 12, 13:26

"three tomatoes are walking down the street- a poppa tomato, a momma tomato, and a little baby tomato. baby tomato starts lagging behind. poppa tomato gets angry, goes over to the baby tomato, and smooshes him and says, catch up!"

Pulp Fiction

guritza · 2 September 12, 13:39

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pizzaman

guy driving through the countryside comes upon a weird sign advertising a red '68 Corvette that runs on Vaseline. The farmer who owns it tells him to take it for a test drive, "but don't go too far 'cause it's low on Vaseline." Off the guy goes, and it roars up to 100 mph and runs perfectly. But a short time later, it sputters and fails.

Meanwhile, at a nearby farmhouse, a family is just finishing dinner. The wife is proud of the meal she's prepared and suggests that she should not have to do the dishes. The older of two daughters says she has a date and cannot do the dishes. The younger daughter says she can't do them because she has homework. The father says he is the man of the house and should not have to do dishes. He suggests a solution. "Let's all go into the living room and sit down, and the first person who says a word has to do the dishes."

Meanwhile, the driver makes his way to the farmhouse, knocks, and gets no reply. He sees the family sitting stone-faced in the living room and knocks again. No response. So he walks in and says, "I knocked, but no one answered. What's the deal?" Not a word from the family. The man notices leftovers on the table and asks if he might eat them. Not a word, so the man eats his fill. "May I have a beer?" he asks, and again gets no response, so he helps himself to a half-dozen of them.

Maybe it's his imagination, but he notices the older daughter giving him the eye. "I'd like to make love to your daughter," he says to the farmer. Taking the lack of response as a yes, they go off together. On his return, he has a few more beers. "How about the other daughter?" he asks, and off they go. Soon he's proposing the same for the farmer's wife, and getting no response, he has his way again. It's getting dark, and the man realizes he must get going. He returns once more to the living room and asks the family if they have any Vaseline.
"All right, all right," says the farmer, "I'll do the damn dishes."

OMG

mrpowcz · 4 October 12, 19:44

A whole month without a joke!?

Q: Why do Java developers wear glasses?
A: Because they don't C#.

tallen · 6 October 12, 17:37

I was in a pub drinking last Saturday night, and drank a few, and noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland ?"

One of them chirped saying, "It's WALES, you friggin' idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland ?"

That's pretty much the last thing I _remember

OhioSpeed · 6 October 12, 19:13

American Football. Kickoff rules.

CX650 · 4 November 12, 16:46

Didn't take long, just seen on arsebook.

‎12 year old Virgin? Jim'll fix it.

Martin918RSR · 6 November 12, 05:57

The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."

"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.

"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"

The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

Reef Budseed · 6 November 12, 06:20

Quote:

Originally Posted by Martin918RSR

The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."

"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.

"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"

The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

Martin918RSR · 6 November 12, 14:08

One time there was an army camp in India that just received a new commander. During the new commanders first inspection everything checked out except one thing. There was a camel tied to a tree on the edge of the camp. The commander asked what it was for, one of the soldiers who had been stationed there for a while explained to him that the men sometimes get lonely since there where no woman there so they have the camel. The commander just let that go, but after a few weeks he was feeling very lonely so he ordered the men to bring the camel into his tent. The men did, and he went to work on it. After about an hour the commander came out zipped up his pants and said, "So is that how the other men do it?" One of the men responded, "No we usually just use the camel to ride into town."

brabham67 · 6 November 12, 17:53

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stig007

How many druggies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

2

1 to hold the light bulb in place

and 1 to smoke until the room starts spinning

LOL!

How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

3

1 to screw in the light bulb, and 2 to discuss the violation of the socket.

Paul_in_DC · 6 November 12, 22:20

One day in the rain forest, a cannibal took his son out to help him get some fresh meat for the family. They hid along a path and waited for someone to come along.

A while later, a scrawny old man came hobbling down the path. "Dad," said the boy, "He's easy to catch. Let's take him home and eat him."

"No," said his father, "There's hardly any meat on him. Let's wait a while longer."

A while later, a very fat lady came waddling down the path. "Dad," said the boy, "She's a lot bigger than the old man. Let's take her home and eat her."

"No," said his father, "There's way too much fat on her, it wouldn't be healthy. Let's wait a while longer."

A while later, a gorgeous young woman in fine physical shape came trotting down the path."Dad," said the boy, "She looks a lot healthier. Let's take her home and eat her." The father looked at the woman and pondered for a few moments before he replied.

"No," said his father, "Let's take her home and eat your mother."

Martin918RSR · 7 November 12, 05:48

^^^

Lol.

legendsatlunch · 10 November 12, 23:27

A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.

The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,

I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb..Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44."

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts..

At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way

the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks,

"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58.50?"

"The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50

Reef Budseed · 11 November 12, 04:37

brabham67 · 16 November 12, 16:51

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'
She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a
towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna
and, as he sits down, he farts....
Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him,
'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.
'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it
implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around,
bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the
smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.
The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and
you can keep the $500.00 membership fee.'
'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You
haven’t had the chances to see all our facilities.'
The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection
once a month. I fart 35 times a day

Paul_in_DC · 18 November 12, 16:03

My daughter is in high school. A while back, she and some of her friends were eating lunch, and joking around about blowing up the school.

Unbeknownst to them, the cop assigned to the school was over at the next table and overheard their conversation.

Can you guess what happened next?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

The cop got up, approached their table, leaned over, and started giving them advice on where to place the charges. +1 for a cop with a sense of humor!

CX650 · 22 November 12, 16:02

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn’t drive.

No further testing is planned.

Insegnanteinglese · 22 November 12, 19:41

hee hee

BLeeKii · 22 November 12, 21:39

LMFBO!
No wonder I don't drink beer!
Reading that has made a great start to my day

Paul_in_DC · 26 November 12, 14:50

Not exactly a joke (or maybe it was just a joke on them...)

If you're a teenager enjoying a night out with your buddies by stealing cars, what's the one thing you wouldn't want to find in the back of the van you just broke into? How about an armed-to-the-teeth SAS team on a night training exercise?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/arti...SAS-drill.html

nascar_man138 · 1 December 12, 17:20

A pastor was talking to the Sunday school class and he asked them, "What do you use to fish?" They all replied "Worms!" "And what do you use to fish for men?" One girl yelled, "FRIED CHICKEN!"

CX650 · 2 December 12, 13:24

On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in NYC were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer Say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowploughs can get through.
"So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said,
"We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through.
"The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says,
"We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said,
" I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?"
Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,
"Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time."

Alex1911 · 2 December 12, 13:40

Money solves everything ...

paletti12 · 9 December 12, 21:26

i have one. once barack obama was in his office cutting money. when joe biden came into his office, he said why are you cutting money? obama replied, im just cuttting taxes. the next day cnn said that america had ran out of taxes. obama said, oh shoot.

and theres my joke. im new to the site so dont be too harsh critizising it.

brabham67 · 13 December 12, 03:10

Subject: Timmy writes to Santa

Classification: UNCLASSIFIED

Dear Santa,

How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the
elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box
360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember
that come Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas,

Timmy Jones

Dear Timmy,

Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all
fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the
time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to
get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you
something you can go outside and play with.

Merry Christmas,

Santa Claus

Mr. Claus,

Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. nice" contract, set by you I
might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me
what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season
into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight
coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?

Respectfully,

Tim Jones

Mr. Jones,

While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind
you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of
services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your
right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer ever
since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy
to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will
not only improve your health, but also improve you social skills and
potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the
Burger King fry bin most days.

Very Truly Yours,

S Claus

Now look here Fat Man,

I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be
polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you
just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be
waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone,
and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!

T-Bone

Listen Pizza Face,

Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on
one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny g-banger wannabe? "He sees
you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar,
genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your
sh*t wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that
if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all
over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked
for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in you're a$$
and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.

S Clizzy

Dear Santa,

Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.

Timmy

Timmy,

That's what I thought, you little b@$t@rd.

Santa

bozont · 20 February 13, 13:32

She was so Blonde, she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."

jhon alen · 13 March 13, 12:32

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You're beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You're cute!” Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”

<snip>

tarzar · 15 May 13, 19:52

ENGLISH AS THE PREFERRED LANGUAGE
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt
English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was
the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room
for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish
(Euro for short).
• In the first year, “s” will be used instead of the soft “c”.
Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy.
Also, the hard “c” will be replaced with “k”.
Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
• There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome “ph”
will be replaced by “f”. This will make words like “fotograf” 20 per sent shorter.
• In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage
where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of
double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the
horible mes of silent “e”s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
• By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” by “z”
and “w” by “ v”.
• During ze fifz year, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou”, and similar
changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
Und after ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German
like zey vunted in ze forst place....

27 July 12, 02:10	#1353
CX650 Grumpy old Git Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Dorset UK	To my American friends: Mitt Romney. Regardless of his or indeed your own personal political affiliations, after his oh so buggered misunderstanding and his lack of common sense in commenting I suggest that this man should not be voted into such an important office.

27 July 12, 03:10	#1356
CX650 Grumpy old Git Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Dorset UK	Let's face it, who is his most noticeable critic? Boris _ing Johnson. Upper class twit of the year for two years in succession. Cameron can't complain too loud either, he is a privileged pillock too. (I went to Eton myself, I was delivering photographic supplies at the time.) We Brits are well known for saying serious things as jokes. It can only be offensive to twats with no sense of humour or an irony deficiency (as Clarkson put it). Last edited by CX650; 30 July 12 at 21:38. Reason: grammar

26 November 12, 14:50	#1380
Paul_in_DC Uploader Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Northern Virginia near DC Age: 56	Stupid Criminal LOLs Not exactly a joke (or maybe it was just a joke on them...) If you're a teenager enjoying a night out with your buddies by stealing cars, what's the one thing you wouldn't want to find in the back of the van you just broke into? How about an armed-to-the-teeth SAS team on a night training exercise? http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/arti...SAS-drill.html

13 March 13, 12:32	#1387
jhon alen Join Date: Mar 2013	jokes There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You're beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You're cute!” Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!” <snip> Last edited by CX650; 13 March 13 at 15:04. Reason: No religion.

17 July 12, 00:18	#1351
yetisaj Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: UK http://yetisaj.blogspot.com/ Age: 30	One big PR joke......... http://arcticready.com/social/gallery Somebody lost their job over this idea.

27 July 12, 02:17	#1354
brabham67 Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Kent, Washington, USA Age: 37	I thought political discussions were banned here...

30 July 12, 20:59	#1357
tallen Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Michigan	Why do men snore when they lay on their backs? Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock.

9 August 12, 10:41	#1358
Stig007 Join Date: Feb 2012	How many druggies does it take to screw in a light bulb? 2 1 to hold the light bulb in place and 1 to smoke until the room starts spinning

10 August 12, 13:15	#1359
Pizzaman Minifreak & Muscleman Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Groningen Centre of the Universe	guy driving through the countryside comes upon a weird sign advertising a red '68 Corvette that runs on Vaseline. The farmer who owns it tells him to take it for a test drive, "but don't go too far 'cause it's low on Vaseline." Off the guy goes, and it roars up to 100 mph and runs perfectly. But a short time later, it sputters and fails. Meanwhile, at a nearby farmhouse, a family is just finishing dinner. The wife is proud of the meal she's prepared and suggests that she should not have to do the dishes. The older of two daughters says she has a date and cannot do the dishes. The younger daughter says she can't do them because she has homework. The father says he is the man of the house and should not have to do dishes. He suggests a solution. "Let's all go into the living room and sit down, and the first person who says a word has to do the dishes." Meanwhile, the driver makes his way to the farmhouse, knocks, and gets no reply. He sees the family sitting stone-faced in the living room and knocks again. No response. So he walks in and says, "I knocked, but no one answered. What's the deal?" Not a word from the family. The man notices leftovers on the table and asks if he might eat them. Not a word, so the man eats his fill. "May I have a beer?" he asks, and again gets no response, so he helps himself to a half-dozen of them. Maybe it's his imagination, but he notices the older daughter giving him the eye. "I'd like to make love to your daughter," he says to the farmer. Taking the lack of response as a yes, they go off together. On his return, he has a few more beers. "How about the other daughter?" he asks, and off they go. Soon he's proposing the same for the farmer's wife, and getting no response, he has his way again. It's getting dark, and the man realizes he must get going. He returns once more to the living room and asks the family if they have any Vaseline. "All right, all right," says the farmer, "I'll do the damn dishes."

14 August 12, 20:07	#1360
gears Donated Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Higgs Boson Age: 45	Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo drizzle.

2 September 12, 13:26	#1361
joaoa13pt Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Portugal	"three tomatoes are walking down the street- a poppa tomato, a momma tomato, and a little baby tomato. baby tomato starts lagging behind. poppa tomato gets angry, goes over to the baby tomato, and smooshes him and says, catch up!" Pulp Fiction

4 October 12, 19:44	#1363
mrpowcz Join Date: Feb 2010 Age: 23	A whole month without a joke!? Q: Why do Java developers wear glasses? A: Because they don't C#.

6 October 12, 17:37	#1364
tallen Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Michigan	I was in a pub drinking last Saturday night, and drank a few, and noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland ?" One of them chirped saying, "It's WALES, you friggin' idiot!" So, I immediately apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland ?" That's pretty much the last thing I _remember

6 October 12, 19:13	#1365
OhioSpeed Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: A suburb of Dayton Age: 27	American Football. Kickoff rules.

4 November 12, 16:46	#1366
CX650 Grumpy old Git Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Dorset UK	Didn't take long, just seen on arsebook. ‎12 year old Virgin? Jim'll fix it.

6 November 12, 05:57	#1367
Martin918RSR the RSR strikes back Join Date: Jun 2012 Location: South Africa (PTA) Age: 19	The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating. "Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???" The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly." "Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen. On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job. "Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?" The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

6 November 12, 14:08	#1369
Martin918RSR the RSR strikes back Join Date: Jun 2012 Location: South Africa (PTA) Age: 19	One time there was an army camp in India that just received a new commander. During the new commanders first inspection everything checked out except one thing. There was a camel tied to a tree on the edge of the camp. The commander asked what it was for, one of the soldiers who had been stationed there for a while explained to him that the men sometimes get lonely since there where no woman there so they have the camel. The commander just let that go, but after a few weeks he was feeling very lonely so he ordered the men to bring the camel into his tent. The men did, and he went to work on it. After about an hour the commander came out zipped up his pants and said, "So is that how the other men do it?" One of the men responded, "No we usually just use the camel to ride into town."

6 November 12, 22:20	#1371
Paul_in_DC Uploader Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Northern Virginia near DC Age: 56	One day in the rain forest, a cannibal took his son out to help him get some fresh meat for the family. They hid along a path and waited for someone to come along. A while later, a scrawny old man came hobbling down the path. "Dad," said the boy, "He's easy to catch. Let's take him home and eat him." "No," said his father, "There's hardly any meat on him. Let's wait a while longer." A while later, a very fat lady came waddling down the path. "Dad," said the boy, "She's a lot bigger than the old man. Let's take her home and eat her." "No," said his father, "There's way too much fat on her, it wouldn't be healthy. Let's wait a while longer." A while later, a gorgeous young woman in fine physical shape came trotting down the path."Dad," said the boy, "She looks a lot healthier. Let's take her home and eat her." The father looked at the woman and pondered for a few moments before he replied. "No," said his father, "Let's take her home and eat your mother."

7 November 12, 05:48	#1372
Martin918RSR the RSR strikes back Join Date: Jun 2012 Location: South Africa (PTA) Age: 19	^^^ Lol.

10 November 12, 23:27	#1373
legendsatlunch Uploader Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Vic, Australia	A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter. The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb..Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44." She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says. As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.. At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted. The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58.50?" "The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50

11 November 12, 04:37	#1374
Reef Budseed Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Burlington, ON Canada

16 November 12, 16:51	#1375
brabham67 Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Kent, Washington, USA Age: 37	A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?' The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?' She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.' Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts.... Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man. 'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer. 'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him. The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says. The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500.00 membership fee.' 'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven’t had the chances to see all our facilities.' The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day

18 November 12, 16:03	#1376
Paul_in_DC Uploader Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Northern Virginia near DC Age: 56	My daughter is in high school. A while back, she and some of her friends were eating lunch, and joking around about blowing up the school. Unbeknownst to them, the cop assigned to the school was over at the next table and overheard their conversation. Can you guess what happened next? . . . . . . . . The cop got up, approached their table, leaned over, and started giving them advice on where to place the charges. +1 for a cop with a sense of humor!

22 November 12, 16:02	#1377
CX650 Grumpy old Git Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Dorset UK	Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn’t drive. No further testing is planned.

22 November 12, 19:41	#1378
Insegnanteinglese Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Hull East Yorkshire	hee hee

22 November 12, 21:39	#1379
BLeeKii Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Between Gulgong & Taree,NSW & Townsville,Qld. Oz Age: 38	LMFBO! No wonder I don't drink beer! Reading that has made a great start to my day

1 December 12, 17:20	#1381
nascar_man138 Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: Antarctica	A pastor was talking to the Sunday school class and he asked them, "What do you use to fish?" They all replied "Worms!" "And what do you use to fish for men?" One girl yelled, "FRIED CHICKEN!"

2 December 12, 13:24	#1382
CX650 Grumpy old Git Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Dorset UK	On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in NYC were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer Say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowploughs can get through. "So the good wife went out and moved her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through. "The good wife went out and moved her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, " I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?" Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time."

9 December 12, 21:26	#1384
paletti12 Join Date: Dec 2012	i have one. once barack obama was in his office cutting money. when joe biden came into his office, he said why are you cutting money? obama replied, im just cuttting taxes. the next day cnn said that america had ran out of taxes. obama said, oh shoot. and theres my joke. im new to the site so dont be too harsh critizising it.

13 December 12, 03:10	#1385
brabham67 Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Kent, Washington, USA Age: 37	Subject: Timmy writes to Santa Classification: UNCLASSIFIED Dear Santa, How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day. Merry Christmas, Timmy Jones Dear Timmy, Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with. Merry Christmas, Santa Claus Mr. Claus, Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. nice" contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite? Respectfully, Tim Jones Mr. Jones, While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve you social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days. Very Truly Yours, S Claus Now look here Fat Man, I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN! T-Bone Listen Pizza Face, Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny g-banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your sh*t wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in you're a$$ and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia. S Clizzy Dear Santa, Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything. Timmy Timmy, That's what I thought, you little b@$t@rd. Santa

20 February 13, 13:32	#1386
bozont Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: mokrance, slovakia Age: 33	She was so Blonde, she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."

15 May 13, 19:52	#1388
tarzar Join Date: May 2011 Location: Uddevalla, Sweden	ENGLISH AS THE PREFERRED LANGUAGE The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short). • In the first year, “s” will be used instead of the soft “c”. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard “c” will be replaced with “k”. Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter. • There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced by “f”. This will make words like “fotograf” 20 per sent shorter. • In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent “e”s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go. • By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” by “z” and “w” by “ v”. • During ze fifz year, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou”, and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. Und after ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst place....